As I roll around town with a trunk full of baby toys, and other various baby related items, I realize I’m moving onto a new stage in life. It’s weird, sad, exhilarating, freeing, scary, and exciting all at once.
My last baby is one. He’s no longer a baby really. He’s a toddler. Well, more a grown ass man, but the point is, he’s no longer a ‘baby’. Dana, you may have another. No. No I won’t. My husband and I decided that this blue eyed, blonde haired baby would be our last. When he was put into my arms I knew he was the last puzzle piece that would complete our family. My husband had a vasectomy and we didn’t look back. Am I regretting this decision? No. Do I want more kids? No. But will I miss having a yummy little baby in my life? Yes, and no. Who doesn’t love a squishy, warm, beautiful little baby? However, I am no good at the baby phase you guys. I don’t feel I was anyways. I felt frustrated, trapped, and oh so tired. Maybe it was due to a degree of postpartum or the fact that I’m a type A, controlling type of woman. Have you ever tried controlling situations with a child under 1? It ain’t happening. Trust me. One and over I love. I love seeing these little people’s personalities develop. I love seeing them explore the world and learn new things.
So why am I sad? Honestly, because they’re one step closer to leaving me. I know. I know. That’s what you’re suppose to do. Raise functioning adults who can make it on their own and create their own paths and beautiful lives. I also realize my oldest is 3 1/2, so that really shouldn’t be my concern right now. He just learned to properly wipe his ass it feels like. I just can’t imagine not having the hustle and bustle of these two. Running out of little firsts. Not seeing colorful toys cluttering my home. Them (gasp) not needing their mommy. No boo boos to kiss as I rock them. It scares the shit out of me guys. It honestly makes my heart break a little.
So as this stage of baby making ends, I’m trying to look forward to all of the glorious things this next stage will bring. A stage that does give me a little freedom. My husband and I are reconnecting more and more (we actually have conversations not solely based on the boys). I’m beginning to find myself and forge my own path. Most of all though I am enjoying seeing these boys grow and thrive. They’re these amazing little people with huge personalities in these little (still somewhat squishy) bodies. As I mourn the end of the baby making stage I do get to celebrate those around me just embarking on their own baby making phase. I’ll still get warm, squishy baby cuddles. They just won’t belong to me anymore. I’ll also get to go home and not have a newborn to take care of. I’ll get to play, run, and laugh with my boys. A total win win.
To those beginning this phase of starting, or continuing to build their families, I want to tell you to savor every second. Eat it all up. You really will never have anything that tops seeing that heartbeat for the first time. Finding out if whether it’s a boy or a girl. Being celebrated for getting a big belly. I WISH when I ate cookies or donuts people were as excited for me (or my previously written about mom pooch). It’s still kind of for my kids as I do share. So it really should be celebrated.
Now I’ll go drop off these toys and various baby items. Grateful for all the use we got out of them. Grateful I had my beautiful boys to use them. Then as I look at my empty trunk I’ll keep in mind that it’ll soon be filled with bikes or sports equipment for the boys. This thought makes me happier than anyone can know. That’s another stage for another day though. I’m off to go enjoy the one I’m in now. I hope you all do the same. No matter what stage of life you’re in, enjoy every second.
Xoxoxo
Musings of a Trophyless Mom 